Absurdity
by Declan Kai
Summary: Set between Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, Bella ponders her future as the twilight sky continues to darken.


_**A/N: My first ever Twilight fic. I hope you all enjoy it.  
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_**Major thanks to starzsgirl for the Beta.**_

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I watched with interest, through the pitter-patter of rain against my bedroom window, droplets of water obscuring the view of the darkening sky outside.

It was twilight; the clouds a play of purples and greys – the end of another day, the beginning of another night.

I sat cross-legged on my bed in my favourite pair of old sweats and an even older t-shirt. My hair was still slightly damp from the shower, my hands braced behind me as I leaned back ever so slightly. A sigh of content passed between my lips.

"Bella," he called. His voice was soft, just above a bare whisper, burning with curiosity.

I smiled and turned to him – the sight of Adonis himself could not compare to the beauty that was Edward Cullen, lying calmly on my bed with that crooked smile that never failed to take my breath away.

My breath hitched and he raised an eyebrow in amusement.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked. His expression settled on a lazy smile, content, happy. I was happy if he was.

I moved to lie beside him but said nothing, choosing instead to press my cheek against his stone-hard chest, cold as marble, nuzzling his shirt. It was comforting.

Then I heard him groan. I chuckled and angled my head to press my lips against his. "You know," I teased, outlining the curve of his lips with the tip of my finger, "for a vampire, you can be incredibly impatient."

Edward leaned closer, bringing his arms around my small frame and touched his forehead to mine. His sweet, perfumed breath was excruciatingly pleasant as I felt his lips move against my own.

"You drive me insane, do you know that?" His voice was calm and even, a perfect counterpoint to my raging heartbeat.

I smiled innocently and shrugged nonchalantly. "So you say."

"Tell me," he pleaded, lowering his eyes to mine so there was no escape. I had to give him credit for knowing exactly which buttons to push.

I pursed my lips as my thoughts sped up, racing from one image to the other – a jumble of memories and expectations. I sighed. "I'm scared," I admitted after a while, wishing that I could muster up something more than my own pathetic excuse for courage.

I tilted my head back to look at him. His eyes were darkening with every beat of my heart. I sighed again and then my head was against his chest in an instant, his cold hand softly caressing my cheek. I was used to his lightning-fast speed.

"What are you scared of?" he asked, although I knew he was aware of my fears – no matter how absurdly unnecessary they were to him.

"The future," I whispered, my lips brushing against the cotton of his teal shirt. I felt his hand lazily tracing circles on the small of my back. The sigh that left my lips was involuntary.

"I've got time," his lips, cold as ice, murmured against my forehead.

The sky continued to darken; the purples and greys giving way to their darker shades, the light fading with each passing second.

"What happens after you change me?" I whispered. "The treaty – with the wolves – you aren't allowed to bite a human. You'll have to move." I hated the fact that I was the reason the Cullens would be forced out of their home. It sickened me with guilt. I heard the soft tones of Edward's chuckle and leaned back to glare at him icily.

"Of all the things to be scared of, _that's_ what you're worried about?" His laugh wasn't contagious. I wasn't amused. "Bella, love, there is nothing for you to be worried about. Moving is not exactly a life-altering decision for us."

"But you'll have to move…because of _me_," I complained. The guilt began to pool. I felt his lips against my hair and I shivered.

"Are you cold?" he asked me, concerned. I shook my head. He sighed. "We would have moved on sooner or later…with or without your help."

"I hope you weren't planning on leaving without me," I mumbled. Edward chuckled and pressed his lips to my forehead. I couldn't help the smile that ghosted over my face. My breath was uneven.

"Never," he replied. "You agreed to marry me, didn't you?" I groaned and covered my face with his shirt. "I know you promised me that you wouldn't leave me at the altar, but you have to believe me when I say I'm not going anywhere either – without you that is."

I looked up to see the amusement dancing across his face.

"Besides," he seemed to think for a moment, "I don't think Alice would be very happy with me. She's quite into wedding planning it seems and I wouldn't want to spoil her fun." His golden eyes were dancing.

"Is that the only reason?" I asked in mock-hurt. I knew it wasn't, but it didn't hurt to ask every now and again.

"Bella," he sighed. The tip of his icy finger lifted my chin. Our eyes met as he unleashed his heart-stopping gaze on me. I had to remind myself to keep breathing. "I cannot live without you. Not now, not ever. You know that."

"Do I?"

"Do you need convincing?" he asked. The amusement was back in his voice.

"Maybe," I teased, "and how exactly are you going to do that?" I shot him a playful questioning look, before reaching out to trace his jaw with my finger. I smiled, watching his eyes droop to a close as he savoured the touch, _my _touch. "Edward…"

"Ask Alice," he said with a stifled groan.

I blinked. "Alice?" Now I was confused. "Huh?"

Edward smiled crookedly and brought his lips to mine. "Ask her…what I was like…without you," he whispered and I felt his cold breath below my ear, moving down to my neck and across. I shivered in pleasure.

"Maybe I will," I replied distractedly. Darn him for being so…so… – my train of thought ended when he latched onto my pulse, driving me wild with need and desire.

"Edward…" I warned but it was drowned beneath a much louder groan.

Then as soon as it came, a stray thought pierced through my muddled mind and then left. _Charlie_.

I briefly wondered what would happen if he were to step through my door – unlocked – and see his daughter being ravaged by a vampire. Granted, to Charlie it would be his daughter being ravaged by his future son-in-law, but there wasn't _that_ much of a difference. Not to Charlie anyway.

"Edward…" I warned again. Holding my palm flat against his chest, I shoved and Edward grudgingly complied.

A frustrated groan left him as he turned onto his back. I tried to get my breathing back in order but he was already on his side, smiling at me – making it indubitably more difficult.

"I don't get you sometimes," I said sternly. I was back in the circle of his arms, head against his shoulder, before I could blink. "First you give me a speech about preserving my virtue, and now you're _tempting_ me like there's no tomorrow." Edward chuckled. "How old are you again?"

"Eighteen," Edward replied in mock-innocence. I rolled my eyes.

"And how old were you before you turned eighteen?" I asked with a raised brow.

"One hundred and five," he admitted with a grin.

I sighed and shook my head before his lips found mine, this time in a gentle kiss, a passionate but light dance – one that I knew I couldn't trip over myself in, one that I enjoyed.

"You're very…"

"What?" he murmured against my lips.

I scrunched my face in thought. "Hormonal" – if that was even the word – "tonight," I said after a while.

Edward chuckled, leaning in to kiss me again. "If there is anyone to blame, it would be you, love. No one else…"

"True." I smiled, glad that I was the only one who could ever make him feel so…so…_eighteen_. "I wish I knew what you were thinking," I said after a minute of silence.

The way he looked at me, the way he touched me – it felt surreal, and no matter what form of persuasion he used, there was always a small fragment of my mind that was left in doubt. I strived to squash and expel that tiny fragment.

"Just ask." He held me tightly, more guarded now and I noticed his eyes lightening back to a warm gold.

"You still wish I would change my mind," I said. I pressed my finger to his lips, cutting off his defence.

"You know I would choose you above everyone else," I said with confidence. "But you still wish that I would change my mind – about changing." I felt him sigh. "Tell me why."

"We have already had this discussion, Bella," said Edward, his expression darkening. "You know why."

"There's more," I pushed. "I can see it in your eyes whenever I mention it, whenever I-" My mind suddenly became clear. That had to be it. I eyed him warily.

"What?"

"You're being stupid you know that?" I said, slightly annoyed now. "My feelings for you aren't going to change."

"You don't _know_ that," Edward muttered. His face was still in my hair, his breathing still even but I could _feel_ and _hear_ the difference. This was something he was clearly uncomfortable with.

"Now who's being absurd?" I mumbled, and he held me tighter. "You're afraid."

I felt him shrug. "Shouldn't I be? I could kill you if I go too far, if I can't stop myself. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you."

"That's not what you're afraid of," I reminded him.

"Then what am I afraid of, Bella?" he asked.

I could hear the pain he was hiding in the depth of his voice. I couldn't help but cradle his face in my hands, running my finger across his cheek. "You tell me," I whispered before pressing myself against his chest.

"You're still young, Bella, so young," I heard him whisper. "In twenty, thirty, forty years time, you might realise that I'm not what you want, what you need. Not like how I need you."

I scowled in irritation but he ignored me.

"You might find someone – like how you are to me – and resent me for taking your life away."

"Tell me what I am to you, Edward," I said after a brief and _annoying_ moment of silence.

He smiled glumly. "If I needed to breathe, you would be my air, Bella."

"And what do you think you are to me?" I asked. He didn't answer. I waited a moment. "Can I tell you something?"

"You can tell me anything," he replied in a whisper.

I looked at him in question. "And would you believe me?"

"Well, that depends on your level of absurdity," he admitted charmingly.

"So what if I told you," I shifted my body, turning in the ring of his embrace so that my back was to his chest, pulling his arms around me like a cradle. I felt his breath in my hair and I sighed.

"What if I told you that to me, you are _exactly_ what I am to you, would you believe me then?" I remained still and quiet, focusing on his breathing – it was uneven.

"I'm…inclined to believe you," Edward finally admitted after a while. I smiled and turned slightly, welcoming his lips on mine as he leaned across to prove his words.

"I'm not making this decision in the heat of the moment, Edward. I've thought about it, and I'm not going to regret it. I promise."

"That's enough for me," he whispered and I felt his arms tighten around me. It was comforting despite the hard contours of his muscled body, and cold – but I was warm and comfortable. I smiled. "I am still afraid of hurting you, of not being able to stop."

I sighed from the frustration in his voice. "You will be able to. Besides, Carlisle will knock you out before you go too far." I laughed at the image.

"That's not funny," he growled. "You don't know how hard it is for me to…"

"No, I don't," I placed a finger to his lips, "But I trust you, Edward," I whispered to him, desperate to make him see the truth in my words. "You've done it before. You can do it again. I know you can."

I felt him turn his head and I took an involuntary gasp as his lips brushed over my neck. "That time was different," he said. "I was going to lose you."

"I _can_ threaten you with divorce," I offered. He scowled and I laughed. "That could help."

"I'd rather you not," he said with a scoff. "Please?"

I laughed and turned around to press my lips to his. "You are by far the most emotional vampire I have _ever_ known."

"That's your fault too, you know?"

"Of course," I nodded.

"Aren't you afraid?" he asked. "The process is not exactly a comforting ordeal."

"I could have done without the pain and uncontrollable thirst," I admitted. "But it's a small price to pay if I get an eternity with you."

"That sounds nice," he whispered, "An eternity together."

"Mmm, yes, it does," I whispered back. "I love you, Edward."

"And I love you too, Bella, my love," his breath was in my ear again, making me sigh in pleasure and content, "forever, and always."

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